The Tradition Continues

The Tradition Continues

Football is back! That means Sunday afternoons watching the Philadelphia Eagles with my father. As you can see, we were in mid-season form today for the Birds' season opener against the Green Bay Packers, clad in Eagles jerseys, Coronas in hand (as if actually drink beer), cheering for McNabb, Westbrook, Dawkins and the gang. Dad can't catch a break. Every time he buys a jersey with a player's name on the back, that player ends up being cut from the team (that would be Trotter this year)!

Growing up, I was never a sports fan, probably because I couldn't play. That was until I started watching Eagles games with my father 15 years ago. Soon, football became an addiction. Over the years, I've seen the lows -- losing to the hated Dallas Cownoys on game-ending botched field goal attempt -- and the highs -- winning the NFC championship game against the Atlanta Falcons.

Despite today's heartbreaking 16-13 loss to the Packers (we're used to this in Philly), this season looks to be a promising one for the Eagles. Could this be the year they win that elusive Super Bowl? It should be another wild ride. Let's just hope it doesn't test my defibrillator along the way!

I...Must…Resist…The Urrrge!

I’m an addict. It’s been going on for years. I’m admitting it now, even though I’ve denied its existence to many, even to myself at one time. My friends, my family, they all know its presence in my life. They all see the role it plays. The importance I place upon it. They all see how deep I’ve gone. Sometimes the power it has over me is so great that I simple give in and indulge myself. On occasion, I have excluded myself during family events and social functions. Other times I attend, but isolate myself from the group. Like at Christmas when I excused myself early from the dinner table so I could venture off to another room and “get high”. I can’t say I’m proud of that, but I did it. I can’t say my family and friends understand, but they unwillingly accepted it. However, they all agree I need help. I agree, I need help.

I’ve been doing it for as long I can remember. I don’t recall a time when I didn’t crave it. I go thru withdraw when my body isn’t being fed. It’s an uncontrollable craving in my blood. My mind is screaming, begging for it. I must satisfy its wants and demands. I don’t just want it. I need it! So what is my poison of pleasure? If you’re guessing sex, it’s a good guess, but you’re wrong. Some people put dumb in a shot glass. Others put dumb in a needle. I put dumb in a USB port. I’ve said it before – I’m a Tech Whore and I’m addicted to tech gadgets. My latest weakness, the new iPod Touch.

The iPod Touch (www.apple.com/ipodtouch) was unveiled to the public this week. It looks exactly like the iPhone and even operates exactly like the iPhone, minus calling capabilities. The iPod Touch not only gives you music, but also Wi-Fi Internet access. It’s the perfect on-the-go gadget! I’m starting to salivate just thinking about it. Is there something wrong with me? I’m even nodding my head yes to that question.

You see, some people just don’t understand how hard it is for me and Tech Whores like me. We have this overwhelming urge to stay on top of technology. The beauty of technology is that it’s constantly changing and evolving. However, that also makes it increasingly difficult to have the latest and greatest gadgets in your pocket. It’s a never ending battle, but one we fight on a daily basis, the addiction. Best Buy is like a crack house to me, seriously. iPods, cell phones, laptops – they are the crack cocaine. I love getting high! Love, love, LOVE it! Although, the problem is that there needs to be some cutoff level to just how high I can get.

I already have an iPod, a black 5th generation 30GB video iPod to be exact. It’s only about 2 years old. It works fine. It’s integrated with my car stereo. It travels to the gym with me. It’s by my side at work. It's never caused me problems or given me heartache. Really, it’s been the perfect girlfriend. I hate to dump her. She’s still sexy and quite young. Logically, I can’t justify buying a new improved model. Emotionally, I want to! I want to bad! Temptation is a bitch and I’ve been tempted by the forbidden fruits before – the MotoRazr2. It too just came out and even though I already own a MotoRazr phone that isn’t even a year old, I still want the new one. Maybe I'll just cheat a little and borrow someone else’s iPod Touch and MotoRazr2 to fool around with. Nobody has to know. I can still get my high that way without actually buying the drugs. Slimy? Maybe, but it’s the level addicts go to when they “need a fix”.

How long will I hold out, only time will tell. I…must…resist…the urrrge!

GI Josh

GI Josh

The less I need to see my gastroenterologist, the better (hey, those are his words), but every now and then, a follow-up is a good idea, and today was the day.
While Duchenne's primarily affects skeletal and cardiac muscles, it also involves smooth muscles such as those in the GI tract. I should know. Several years ago, it resulted in a serious constipation problem that caused me to stop eating and lose over 30 pounds. A few years ago, I developed acid reflux disease. But with medications, both issues are under control (knock on wood). The doctor was pleased and said he'd see me in nine months -- don't worry, I'm not pregnant!

With that, I decided to subject the ol' system to some spicy Mexican food at a nearby restaurant on the campus of the University of Pennsylvania (see picture of me across from the Quadrangle). Well, I sure felt old today, knowing that I'm nearly too old for most of the women I saw! And while the spicy food sat well with my stomach, that certainly did not!

TigerBeat Presents “Nerds On Desks”

Oh Stephen! You sexy, sexy beast! Thank God for the Internet because without it, we may have never laid eyes on this softcore porn photoshoot featuring Apple’s very own CEO, Steve Jobs. You may remember a similar layout featuring Microsoft’s Bill Gates (2/19/05 - Sexy Bill Gates Photos Exposed). What is it about nerds posing on desks in the ‘80s? Was there some type of weird “geek meets faux wood” fetish that sprung during that era?

Who took these circa 1985ish photos and why has yet to be researched. Of course that information isn’t all that important. The real important question is, are those super tight jeans Jordache or Sasson? Inquiring minds want to know. One thing is for certain, he looks dreamier than Greg Brady! Ahh, I think I may be swooning here. All we need now is some sexy shots of Linux’s Linus Torvalds to make the nerd herd complete.

Oh no, I just realized something. I was wondering why this photo looked familiar and it finally hit me! My Dad looked EXACTLY like that when I was born. The hair, the beard, even the clothes. EXACTLY! Freaky. And no, Steve Jobs is not my father. Umm, right Mom?

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Net Addicted Hubby Has Hand Amputated!

Remember the Lorraine Bobbit fiasco? She caught her husband cheating and decided to eliminate the problem once and for all…by cutting off his penis! Well, I suppose that’s one way to solve infidelity in a marriage. Of course, two wrongs don’t make a right, but try telling that to a psycho holding a butcher knife. I’m sure someone out there has kept a national record of cheating statistics - the percentage on average that people cheat in a relationship. If such a record exists, I’ve always wondered if there was an immediate decline after Lorraine Bobbit’s story spread. Let’s be honest, no woman in history has managed to scare the shit out of men more than her! And it is rather sick, but somewhat understandable, that most women cheered and laughed when she “cut it off”. To this day, I still cringe when I hear her name.

Well move over Lorraine, there’s another psycho bitch in town and her name is “He Ling” from China. She has amputated her husband's right hand after catching him video chatting to girls at a local Internet cafe. Let me remind you – he was chatting, not cheating. Her husband, Jiang Ming, had promised he would spend time with his new son in preference to the net. Apparently that promise was not fulfilled to his wife’s liking. So a chopping she went!

"I was on the Internet and suddenly felt numbness in my right hand. The arrow on the screen stopped moving. Then I found that my right hand was on the mouse pad and blood was shooting out.”

Despite his injury, Ming asked the judge to be lenient with his wife (cough, dumbass). He admitted that he broke his promise so it was his fault (cough, pussy whipped). The judge has yet to announce his verdict. It’s true, a woman can train and control a man. Although, owning Rambo’s meat cleaver certainly helps the process along.

So let’s get this straight. Cheat = have penis chopped off. Surf the net too much = have hand chopped off. So what happens if you surf the net for porn? Is it a 2 for 1 deal/punishment? Say ba-bye to hand AND penis? Well I suppose that would be called being proactive, as it would also solve an excessive masturbation problem one may encounter in the future.

Hey, here's a noble idea...don't get married. Your penis, your hand and all other body parts will remain attached to your single status body. I imagine you will also retain your sanity. I'm sorry for Ming's sake, my advice comes a little too late.

Crocs Breed With Uggs = Cruggs?

Ok, so I’m not a fashion expert, that’s my sister’s field. However, I do know when a woman is well dressed. And trust me, she’s never wearing Uggs, Crocs or Cruggs. A few years ago the term “fugly” was coined. Fugly is the product of combining f*cking and ugly. When something is f*cking ugly, it’s “fugly”, which is the best word I know to describe this…

The only thing in the world I hate more than Crocs are Uggs. Uggs, quite simply, are ugly. It’s how I feel they got the name Uggs, short for ugly. They are so hideous that I would be forced to breakup with a girl if I discovered she owned a pair. If you don’t know what Uggs are after all these years, then you will need to ask someone because frankly, I can’t stomach describing them. Yes, they are that bad. I think I threw up a little in my mouth just mentioning them. Honestly, I don’t understand why the fashion police haven’t taken the necessary measures to arrest all those who have bought Uggs and stop all those who may THINK of buying Uggs. If you ask me, the illegal substances (Uggs boots) should be banned worldwide.

Now there is good news and bad news. First the good news. To my knowledge, Uggs sales are down. They are no longer in Vogue. Although to many, they were never fashionable to begin with. I hardly ever see them on the streets anymore and that definitely makes me happy. My eyes can finally stop bleeding. However, just as I was cheering the death of Uggs, along comes the Crocs, those rubbery looking gardening shoes. Apparently they are very comfy, but when has any girl choosen comfort over fashion? Think about it. Stilettos were made for a reason. They can’t be comfortable, but they sure are sexy as hell and attract men like magnets! Whereas Crocs are comfy, but have men screaming and running in the opposite direction. I ask you, which scenario would you rather have occur?

Let me paint a clearer picture for you, ladies. Think back to college when you sat down in class, looked over to your left and realized the cutest guy was seated right next to you. How excited you were! You smile, he smiles back. You let your eyes wonder, dropping over his body where they eventually bulge out of your skull and hit the floor when you see what’s happening south of his ankles. That’s right, he is wearing the official lesbian footwear – the original Birkenstock sandals with the thick gray wool hiking socks. Nothing says fashion plate like sandals and wool socks, right? And if I’m not mistaken, isn’t the point of wearing sandals to let your feet breathe? And isn’t the point of wearing wool sock to keep air from reaching your toes? When you combine sandals and wool socks, you’re only confusing the hell out of your feet! I recall a few dudes who decided to mix it up a bit and pair their black Adidas sandals with their white gym socks. Always a real “girl getter” look as well. I suppose in college everyone gets a “sloppy card” – sloopy dresser, sloppy drunk, sloppy kisser, sloppy seconds. Maybe back then your game was good enough that you could pass with the sloppy card, but your college days are over. Welcome to the real world. In the real world, sloppy doesn’t get you laid.

It seems there is a cold hard reality that we must all face, the birth of Cruggs. Crocs and Uggs have been bred together to bring us Cruggs. Fulgy indeed. It was only a matter of time before the two met, fucked fugly style and spawned this vile demon bastard footwear. Cruggs were recently spotted in a Houston store window where I’m sure they set off a chain reaction of uncontrollable vomiting among window shoppers. I don't know how much Cruggs are selling for, but I do know that owning a single pair will cost you your dignity. They will also leave you feeling sexually frustrated because it’s certain you won’t be getting any as long as you strutting your stuff in Cruggs.

I’m actually looking forward to Fall, when all the cute girls will be stepping out in sexy knee-high leather boots with the thin little heals. Mmm, my favorite! But for now while the weather is still warm, I say if you want comfort, go with flip flops. After all, what goes best with flip flops? A bikini. And remember for a bikini, less is best. Bless you string bikini and flip flop ensemble. Bless you.

***NOTE***
This post has been sponsored by the “Just Say No To Cruggs” campaign. Remember, Hugs Not Cruggs.

Not So Super Market

Not So Super Market

When it comes to food, they say that cooking is an art, baking a science, and shopping a pain in the ass! Actually, I added that last one, but if you're in a wheelchair, you probably know what I mean.

In remembrance of the two year anniversary of the Hurricane Katrina disaster, I thought I would prepare one of my favorite New Orleans-inspired dishes: chicken and sausage gumbo. For inquiring minds, the recipe I use comes from the Food Network's Rachael Ray. I know of at least one loyal Winheld's World reader who will disagree, but Ms. Ray can cook for me any day. Not only does she know her way around the kitchen, she's also very easy on the eyes! But I digress.

The particular supermarket where I shop is somewhat pricey, but it's usually not too crowded and the aisles are relatively wide. So much for all of that. When we got there, all of the accessible parking spaces, which have room for me to put down my lift, were taken. Because it was beautiful outside, we parked at the far end of the parking lot.

"No one's going to park next to us," I reasoned, "There are plenty of other spaces."

Naturally, when we came out of the store, some idiot had parked right next to us! As a result, we had to back out of the space and then load me into the van.

Inside the store, it wasn't a whole lot better. Driving through aisles was like playing dodgeball. People get in my way no matter what I do. And it's okay for people to stand in the middle of the aisle to look for items, but if I do that, I get the evil eye.

"Sorry," I say, moving aside, but I'm really not. I have every right to take my time, too.

Things got a little dicey over in the seafood department when a store employee pulling a hand-truck nearly walked backward into me! Most upsetting was that in avoiding hitting him, I missed the free samples being given out nearby!

But even if it was a pain at the store, it will all be worth it when I taste that gumbo. I'm already hungry!