Be Thankful You Aren’t Reading Another Thanksgiving Post

The last thing I wanted to blog about today is what I did on my Thanksgiving vacation or what I am thankful for. How is this...be thankful that you don’t have to read yet another blog post about what someone did on Thanksgiving vacation or what they are thankful for. Refreshing, right? Seriously, aren’t we all tired of reading everyone’s post on that very same subject? Not to shame anyone who has blogged about what they did on their Thanksgiving vacation or what they are thankful for because I’m sure your words warm the soul and stick with your readers for days to come, like a big fat turkey dinner. It’s just that I’m tired of telling the tale. I’m tired of rehashing the events. I spent Thanksgiving in Orange County, California with my sister so I could met my new nephew, but by the time I returned home, I had recapped my trip at least 5 times to various people. So honestly, I’m sick of hearing myself speak. And if I’m sick of hearing myself speak, I’m sure you are EXTRA sick of hearing me speak. So for the sake of my sanity, and your own, I’m remaining a little hush-hush. This shouldn’t be a shock to anyone. I rarely blog about my regular trips to NYC and DC. And if you recall, I began a two-part post about the wedding I attended/vacation I went on over the summer in Aruba, but failed to ever write the second part of it. My "be continued" was never continued. Sorry about that. I also never muttered a word about my birthday celebration in Vegas the other month. Although as you know, what happens in Vegas...

A certain someone, who shall remain nameless (you know who you are), began virtually badgering me via Facebook today because she wanted me to blog about my Thanksgiving holiday, Cali, the new nephew, etc. So to satisfy your request, let me briefly sum it up. I went to California. I held and cuddled a little baby. We ate turkey. How’s that? What, not enough detail? No emotion? Not a very engaging story? Well here’s the thing. Men and women are very different in their story telling. For example, let’s say a guy and a girl both go to Europe for 2 solid weeks. Upon arriving home, a friend asks..."How was your trip?" The girl goes into this long drawn out overly detailed tale starting from the moment she began packing her bag, to arriving at the airport, to boarding the plane, to landing in Paris, to converting her money, to translating the language barrier, to finding a car to take them to the hotel, to entering their room, to blah, blah, blah! You get the idea. It just goes on and on and on! They leave nothing out! However, ask the guy the same question..."How was your trip?" And the guy simply replies with one short sentence - it was cool. Done. Simple. Summarized. Onto the next conversation. So you see, I’m very much that guy. Therefore to answer your question as to how my trip was, my reply is..."It was cool."

I will say that I very much want to upload a photo of me and my new nephew, but I have this thing against posting photos online of anyone under the age of 18. If you had to sift thru some of the things I had to sift thru at work before, you would fully understand why I am very much against seeing a photo of anyone under the age of 18 online. Understand what I’m saying? Good. Now let’s not discuss that topic anymore because it’s revolting to even think about. Instead, to humor those who for some odd reason are actually interested in what I’m thankful for, let me answer that - Beyonce’s ass. You heard me right - Beyonce’s ass. Now THAT is something I can go into great detail about! The bounce. The jiggle. The bang. The perfect apple bottom shape. Her golden glowing skin. Is she a real human being? Seriously, how is one’s skin not only perfectly flawless, but gold and shimmery in color? I assume it’s some type of makeup all over her body? Or maybe she was simply blessed by God and he created her to be smoking hot! It’s his sick giggle, to make all the boys droll over something they can’t have and make all the women secretly despise her because of her incredible beauty. All I gotta say is damn Jay-Z, you better hold onto that girl!

As much as I’ve always loved and praised J-Lo’s ass, Beyonce’s ass has to be right up there. Now Kim Kardashian, although has a great body, her ass is a bit over the top and out of control for my taste. Besides, I can only focus on so many great asses at the same time or else I get ass overload! So for the sake of keeping this post relatively short in length, let’s just focus on Beyonce’s ass for now. Or should I say, let’s focus on her gyrating hips? Oh my God. Dude. Have you seen her repeatedly thrusting her pelvis to the beat in her latest music video "Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)"? It’s almost like porn to me, well at least that one small clip is. You can’t miss it! It appears roughly 52 seconds into the video (not that I was keeping track or anything) and only lasts for a mere 5 seconds, but what a glorious 5 seconds it is! You just know a girl who can rock her hips like that has to be amazing in bed! Granted the rest of the dance moves are borderline dorky and not exactly sexy, but somehow Beyonce is hot enough that she is able to pull it off and make it look good. She even manages to turn that weird chicken pecking move of hers into something that actually works in the video. Now that is talent! I have to say though, the leotard she is wearing is exactly the same getup my sisters wore back in the mid 80s when I had to suffer thru their jazz recitals. So for me, not so hot.

Now I know what you’re saying. You’re saying..."David, I’m four paragraphs into your post. Does this post even have a point or is it just another one of your Random Ramblings, this time about asses?" Well, yes and no. Or yes and yes? I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this, but I will share one small tale from my Thanksgiving Day holiday that involved some tail and is related to the Beyonce song I mentioned above. I believe I met the girl who Beyonce wrote this song for, if not, her story is eerily similar! I bumped into her in an LA club this past weekend and we danced to that very song. I’m not going to copy/paste all the lyrics, but here is just a sample.

Up in the club, just broke up
I’m doing my own little thing
Decided to dip but now you wanna trip
Cuz another brother noticed me
I’m up on him, he up on me
Don’t pay him any attention
Cried my tears, three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me
[Chorus]
Cuz if you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it
Don’t be mad once you see that he want it
If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it

Now this girl had dated the dude for 5 years without a ring! Shit or get off the pot, is what I say. Basically she has wasted the better part of her 20s being exclusive with one guy that has no intention of becoming more serious with her. So against my sister’s strong advice not to, I danced with this girl while her ex-boyfriend stood a few feet away literally cracking his knuckles and becoming more and more furious with every little dip and grind. Hey, don’t be mad at me. According to her, she’s newly single. And I’m single too so there’s no crime being committed here. You had your turn and you blew it, so she’s back on the market. Besides, why let it get to you? Worst case scenario is that I hookup with her for the night. That would be ONE night. I live on the other side of the country, so the chances of anything materializing from a couple drinks and some dancing is slim to none.

I understand it pisses you off to watch my hand slide down her lower back and rest on her ass for a few seconds. I get the fact that she is smiling and laughing more with me than she has ever done with you in months, perhaps years! So I get why you are jealous. But if makes you feel any better, as pretty as she is and as nice of an ass she has, she’s not really my type. I don't go for California blondes with big fake boobs. Still, that doesn’t mean we can’t have fun. So lighten up. Maybe it was all the M.M.A. training lately or maybe it was the quantity of alcohol I had consumed, but I wasn’t the least bit intimidated or scared when you had enough and came over to put your hand on me. I politely told you to go fuck yourself. I suppose the bouncers and my sister had both seen enough and didn't want things to escalate. They had asked him to leave and my sister asked me to leave with her. She’s no fun anymore. This new Motherhood has made her lose her sense of adventure and become somewhat overprotective of her little brother.

My sister asks..."There are 100 other pretty girls here you can pick from and you pick the one with the crazy ex standing within 10 feet of her! Why?"

My reply..."She had the best ass out of all 100 of them."

What can I say? I’m hypnotized by a great ass. It's my weakness.

David Is...

At last count, my blog had slightly over 100 RSS feed subscribers and an average of roughly 300 readers that visit my little corner of the web per day. They aren’t wonderful numbers, but they aren’t too shabby for a small time blogger like myself either. Obviously though, not all those people leave comments. Of course normally that’s not a big deal, except for the fact that in the next few days, the comments will need to pour in or else this post will be rather pointless. You see, unlike most days where I write/ramble and maybe 20 people or so leave a comment, that just won’t do today. The reason it won’t do is because I’m not writing the post! You are! You’re job is to complete the sentence, to fill in the blank. You have a blank canvas to work with and it’s open to virtually anything! It can be nice, mean, silly, stupid, sweet, sad, whatever you want. That’s the beauty of it. It’s totally up to you. You write it. I’ll read it.

Stuck? Here are a few examples, but be creative and come up with your own.

David is...
...the father of my unborn baby.
...my gay lover.
...the devil in disguise.
...CrazySexyCool. (thanks 90’s TLC)
...someone I want to beat like a red-headed stepchild.

Hey, what else do you have to do today at work? You planned on f-ing off all day anyways, right? And as we move into the long holiday weekend, why not grab yourself a turkey leg (which reminds me - Happy Thanksgiving!) and love, hate, or poke fun at me some more? You're free to leave more than one "David is..." entry and you can even post anonymous if you choose to, but it is easier for me to follow if you leave some type of name or nickname.

So today I’m asking for your participation. Yes, you. All of you. So this post goes out to my long time followers, the first time visitor, and of course the lurkers - I know you’re out there. Help me write this post. All you have to do is complete this sentence, to fill in the blank.

David is...

Sarah Palin Pardons A Thanksgiving Turkey

That isn’t a joke post title, although I wish it was because this is too unfucking believable! When news of this broke, I thought someone was messing me. "Ha-ha, very funny guys, another Sarah Palin joke. Ok, ok, what is it now?" That is the response I initially had until I saw the video for myself! And it’s not even just the video that cracks me up, it’s the actual news story behind it all. Sarah Palin, the world’s most intelligent woman (read that with total sarcasm) and the woman known for her joy of slaughtering innocent animals, is pardoning a turkey! Are you fucking kidding me? (Please note, I tend to swear a lot when I’m angry or completely in shock. And in this case, I’m completely in shock.) A turkey? A Thanksgiving Day turkey? Pardoning it? Seriously? Wait, let me say it in a complete sentence so the absurdity of it sinks in – Sarah Palin is pardoning a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Wow. Just when I thought Sarah Palin couldn’t leave me dumbfounded anymore, she goes and pulls this stunt!

Anyone paying attention to a single word that idiot is spewing?
Nope, didn’t think so. The farmer trying to slaughter a turkey
in the background is waaay more entertaining!

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin visited a turkey farm in her home town of Wasilla (yeah, I never heard of it either) yesterday to grant the traditional Thanksgiving pardon to one turkey. But as the former Republican vice presidential hopeful took questions from reporters, a farm worker was seen in the background slaughtering other turkeys and feeding the birds into a grinder. Priceless! She can see Russia from her house, but can’t see 5 feet behind her.

Video by KTUU-TV of the governor and the bloody work over her shoulder became an overnight YouTube hit. Holding a Starbucks cup of talka-lota-crapa coffee, Palin said of the outing at Triple D Farms, "Oh, this was neat." Oh my God! What are you five? This was "neat"? I suppose it’s a tad better than her saying neato. It really frightens me that a woman who drops the letter G off of every word in the English language, uses the word "neat" to describe a slaughter farm, and just repeats the same catch phrases over and over again could have been in the White House helping run our country! Horrifying indeed.

What really strikes me about this interview is that she even makes reference to how she is going to have a turkey on the table at her house for Thanksgiving. Ok, so let me get this straight. You are ok with killing a moose, but you save a turkey’s life? And you save one turkey’s life, but you’re ok with killing another turkey and eating it on Thursday? I don’t know, something just doesn’t make sense here. Oh wait, we are talking about Sarah Palin. She NEVER makes sense so I shouldn’t be surprised.

Maybe I’m oversensitive, but if I had the power to pardon a turkey, I would just feel really, really guilty about slaughtering the pardon turkey’s relative right before his very eyes and celebrating his Uncle Tom's dead carcass by smothering him in gravy and eating him just days later! I think in that case, I would have to eat spaghetti for Thanksgiving Day dinner. Noodles don’t get pardoned, right? But since I don't have the power to pardon, I'm going to chow down on a big, fat lifeless bird! Mmm.

By the way, is it just me, or does anyone else think her voice sounds like a turkey gobble grating on your last nerve? Also, who wants to take a guess at whether or not her Burberry scarf was part of that elaborate wardrobe taxpayers ponied up the doe for? My vote is a youbetcha!

Related posts of interest...
10/2/08 - The Palin Interview That Will Make You Cringe
9/18/08 - 45 Minute Palin Hack? I Could Have Knocked It Out In 5

How Changing Your Facebook Dating Status Can Be Deadly

Some people take social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace waaay too seriously! And although I never understood the addiction to social networking sites, others seem to live on there. I’ll login every now and then, but in no way is it the highlight of my life. Although for others, it is their life. In fact, it cost one woman her life! I’m not talking about one of those stay-at-home Mom types that neglects the outside world and daily responsibilities, like taking care of her kids, to live virtually thru cyberspace. You hear about those kinds of people with severe Internet addiction being found hunched over their keyboard dead because he/she forgot to logoff and eat food to sustain life. No, I’m not talking about those freaks. I’m talking about something entirely different and even more unbelievable! I’m talking about a fully-functioning normal woman who made the deadly mistake of changing her Facebook dating status from "married" to "single".

Not long ago news broke about a man being sentenced to life in prison for stabbing his wife to death (on 2/18/08) over a status change she made to her profile on Facebook. Wayne Forrester, age 34, told police he was devastated that his wife Emma, also 34, had changed her online profile to "single" days after he had moved out. Now as I understand it, if a spouse moves out, that’s called a separation. So yes, technically they are still married, but not really "together" - hence the term separated. Now I don’t know if Facebook has a relationship status option to choose from that says "separated", but perhaps she should have choose that since really she’s not single and back on the market...or at least not yet, legally speaking that is. Basically, she’s still a married woman, but I digress.

Apparently the husband drove back to his former home, where his wife was still living, and attacked the mother of two in the early hours as she slept. He stabbed her with a kitchen knife and a meat cleaver. Wayne Forrester, who pled guilty to the killing, was said to be drunk and high on cocaine at the time. The murder was brutal. He beat her, tore out clumps of her hair, and repeatedly stabbed her in the head and neck. Neighbors were woken up by her screams and called police when they found Wayne Forrester sitting outside the house covered in blood. The couple, who had been together for 15 years, had a "volatile" marriage and there were rumors in the past of Wayne Forrester accusing his wife of having an affair.

The day before the murder, he called her parents and complained about his wife's Facebook entry which he said made her look like a fool. He also claims his wife posted messages on an Internet website telling everyone she had left him and was looking to meet other men. In court, Wayne Forrester said he loved Emma and felt totally devastated and humiliated about what she had done to him. So when she changed her Facebook status from "married" to "single", it obviously was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Killing someone over a Facebook status change? That’s beyond crazy! There was even a story about some nerd virtually killing another nerd’s avatar in an online game because their virtual relationship fell apart. And he was charged with a REAL murder when he killed an avatar! I don’t remember all the details, but it was beyond dorky and ridiculous! So what’s next? I mean seriously, what’s even left? Is it possible for society to outcrazy itself once again? People scare me, they honestly do. There are so many crazies out there that I pretty much don’t trust anyone anymore. And the way they act, or rather act out on the Internet, just ups the crazy factor by at least 85%! Please note, that isn’t a real number. That’s just the level of crazy that I’ve seen with my own eyes. So in no way is that an official percentage of crazy recorded with the Crazy Institute Of Online Crazies. I should also note, if you are reading this post and I don’t know you in "real life", there’s a very good chance I think you’re crazy too. I don’t mean to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I’m just saying...if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, then it must be crazy.

To the Summit

To the Summit

We all want to see a cure for muscular dystrophy, but it's important that those of us affected by the disease, patients and families alike, don't lose sight of the fact that cure or no cure, there is still a lot of life to be lived.

That's why I decided to participate on a panel of college students and graduates during a session today at a "Muscle Summit" convened by the local chapter of the Muscular Dystrophy Association (MDA). The goal was to show parents that higher education -- and employment -- are possible even with muscular dystrophy. My message was that the university setting offers a microcosm of the world, allowing many students with disabilities their first chance to experience things like independent living, employment, and social activities. I know I wouldn't be the same person had I not gone to college.

Admittedly, I haven't been involved with MDA much since I was a child, when I served as a poster child for the local chapter of the organization, attended summer camp, and volunteered at the annual Jerry Lewis MDA Telethon. As I grew older, I (and my friends with DMD) concluded that MDA was not focusing enough on the needs of the young adult/adult population.

But a few years ago, I returned to the MDA-sponsored clinic at the hospital. Meanwhile, the local chapter has made an effort to reach out to adults like me. I've been receptive because I believe that if you're not willing to be part of the solution, you may be part of the problem.

So today was a first step for me. I think it went well. If asked to participate in next year's Muscle Summit, I will gladly do so.

If She Wasn’t Already Engaged, I’d Marry Her

Every once in awhile a girl will say something that makes me want to jump up and scream YES! I want to thank her, praise her, even applaud her for being bold and just putting it out there. Speaking her mind. Telling it like it is. Short, simple and sweet. Or in this case...short, simple and a bit crude. If you’ve been reading my blog for awhile now, you probably have noticed that I like brutal honesty. I appreciate it. I admire. And most of all, I’m grateful when someone is brutally honest. Sure brutal honesty may sting from time to time, but it’s also refreshing. It’s refreshingly honest and what’s better than that?

With the crappy economy forcing all of us to rethink our spending habits, the word "save" has been on everyone’s mind! But when it comes to holidays (like birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.), we feel bad about cutting out the gift giving. And unfortunately, if you are over the age of 10 and not very creative, then handmade gifts are nearly impossible to pull off. But don’t fret. All hope is not lost, especially if you are a girl looking to give your guy a little something special. Now if you are a guy looking to give a girl something special, bling is still in stlye, as well as romance. Combine the two and you’re as good as platinum! Of course the guys will still need to open up their wallet, but there is good news for the ladies - you don’t have to spend a dime to make your guy feel like a king! Take this e-mail below as an example, it’s just a portion of it, but you’ll get the idea.

"We’ve been saving this last year for a house so we are applying the things we’ve learned about cutting back on spending to the way we spend today because of all the uncertainty. For instance, instead of spending money on a birthday gift for my fiancé, I told him his present was the "the best 2 hours of his life". I gave him a full body massage and got him all oiled up then drew a hot bubble bath with candles and basically went at him. He loved it! Besides, guys don’t want watches or cologne. They want to get laid in every way possible for as long as possible. So we just skipped the wallet bleeding aspect of gift giving and he said he had the best birthday ever. Success!" – name withheld

A truer statement has never been made! Seriously, if this girl wasn’t already engaged, I would drop down on one knee right now. Scratch that. I would drop down on BOTH knees right now and marry her. She should write an advice column for women on what men REALLY want and how to deliver. So for my future sweetie this upcoming holiday season, please take heed of this advice. I promise I’ll love you for it.

Girls just don’t pamper guys enough and it kind of sucks, if I can be brutally honest myself. It’s not just the sex. It’s more than that. It’s the effort. It’s the thought. It’s the time she took to put into giving me something I REALLY wanted, not something Macy’s department store told her I wanted. It’s even the surprise of it. And can I be brave here and say it’s even the romance? Yes, it’s true. I love the little note left for me on a foggy bathroom mirror. There’s a misconception out there that says romance is for women, but for a few select men, we want it too. And I am one of them. I don’t think that’s unmasculine to admit. If anything, it should be seen as masculine, that I’m secure enough with my own sexuality that I’m not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I like being swooned. It feels good. It’s as simple as that.

The thing is that even though some men may secretly want it, we don’t openly admit it. And we certainly don’t ask for it! Most men just don’t expect a woman to go all out for him. It’s seems it’s almost unheard of and it rarely occurs, or at least in my experience, it’s rarely occurred for me. It makes me a little sad, but it’s something I’ve grown to accept. Hey, I’m all for spoiling a girl. In fact, I love doing so! But sometimes it’s nice to get spoiled a little in return. You know what I mean guys.

Obama Won’t Hire You If You’ve Ever Been Online

Brace yourself for this one. What you are about to read will seem incredibly shocking and absolutely ridiculous at first, but as you continue to read on, you’ll understand why it’s going to be virtually impossible for Barack Obama to ever hire you for any position in his office, including cleaning lady! You say you’re willing to work your way up to the top. That you’ve gone to the best schools, obtained the highest grades, and had countless job offers to work on Wall Street and overseas. You say that you’ve polished up your resume, put together an impressive reference list, and your credentials are impeccable! You’re a hard worker. A true go-getter. A visionary. All of this and more is true and you say that you are even willing to fetch coffee and photocopy documents, without pay, if that’s what it takes to get your foot in the door of the White House. You are determined and you are persistent, but sadly, that won’t matter here. So you want to work for Obama, huh? Well Gen-X and Gen-Y need not apply. Here’s why...

The application for jobs in the Obama administration is, without a doubt, the most "complex" (that is nice talk for "ridiculous") piece of work I have ever seen. If I ever intend to work in politics, I have just killed my career before it has even started by writing this very post. In fact, I killed my future political career sometime back in high school when I logged on to the Internet for the very first time...or as we called the Internet back in the day, AOL. I’ll explain what I mean in a minute. But first, let’s put aside all my teenage hacker run-ins with a certain Fortune 500 company, who will remain nameless. And let’s put aside the fact that I just barely escaped being brought up on charges with the FBI and other law enforcement agencies for my "curiosity" of a certain network and its inner workings. So let’s put aside all of that and just look at what makes me no different than you. I’m online. You’re online. I’ve left a digital trace. You’ve left a digital trace. Let me give you some examples that a prospective Obama employee is asked to answer. These come straight from the intrusive and extensive list of queries the Obama Transition Team has put together, which expands over 7-pages and 63-questions in length! It’s a revealing glimpse into the Obama team's determination not to repeat the mistakes of its predecessors, as well as the new era on which he will lead.

"If you have ever sent an electronic communication, including but not limited to an email, text message or instant message, that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-elect if it were made public, please describe."
Uh, duh, of course. What other good kind of e-mail, txt or IM is there to send that isn't embarrassing in some way?

"Please provide the URL address of any websites that feature you in either a personal or professional capacity (e.g. Facebook, My Space, etc.)"
Good God! Where should I even begin and how many lines are you providing to write all these web addresses out?

"If you keep or have ever kept a diary that contains anything that could suggest a conflict of interest or be a possible source of embarrassment to you, your family, or the President-Elect if it were made public, please describe."
Umm, like this blog you are reading? Guilty.

And my personal favorite:
"Please list, and, if readily available, provide a copy of each book, article, column, or publication (including but not limited to any posts or comments on blogs or other websites) you have authored, individually or with others. Please list all aliases or 'handles' you have used to communicate on the internet."
Ah fuck it. I can't even comment on this!

If your mind is reeling right now, you’re not alone. As tech-savvy as Obama's campaign was, his new transition team is not. Maybe the balding middle-aged executives they're hiring into senior positions in the administration have never used electronic communication, but for anyone under the age of 35, this application is a nightmare! What packrat can track down every blog post and blog comment they've ever written? Many people our age have run blogs since they were kids! So from the past 20 years or so, we are expected to go dig up Facebook photos, blog comments, text messages, and old emails we exchanged even with our sweet Nana? We have an electronic paper trail following us everywhere we go, something today's politicians obviously don’t seem to understand the extent of. We can’t just go collect it like it’s a pile of change that fell off the bedroom dresser. This task is a little more complicated than that. It’s pretty much an impossible feat even for the likes of 007, let alone your average Joe. This is basically like looking for a needle in a haystack, or rather lots of needles spread out across the field-filled state of Texas!

Who has even thought about how to deal with this? Seriously. Just imagine the future 50th President of the United States. Right now, he is probably some random, backward-baseball-cap-wearing, class-ditching, hard-partying frat boy. He’s posting drunk pictures of himself on Facebook and writing on his friends' walls about tomorrow's barcrawl, oblivious to the fact that modern technology means that this will all resurface when he runs for office later in life. My point is, this application doesn’t even work for 2008, let alone 2020. By then EVERYONE, young and old, will have a digital footprint that stretches back into cyberspace for years and years. That is, unless the federal government's HR department wants to drive themselves insane.

Good luck to anyone crazy enough to apply! Personally, if I had that application before me, I would have ripped up the paper after reading the very first question. There’s just nooo waaay in hell this guy would ever hire me. And I’m willing to bet there is nooo waaay in hell he is ever going to hire you either. The truth hurts, doesn’t it?