CES ’09 - Gadgets That Will Get You Laid

My favorite geek event of the year, CES (Consumer Electronic show), was in Las Vegas again this past weekend unveiling 2009’s slew of gadget goodies. For a tech-whore like myself, CES is my belated Christmas. Walking into CES actually does make me feel like a kid on Christmas morning. I look around all glossy-eyed with electronic "toys" as far as the eye can see, not knowing where to start! There are literally thousands of new products and I want to play with them all! Seriously, few things excite me more than tech gadgets. It’s an obsession, a sickness of mine. I just can’t get enough. Sadly though, I could not make it to this year’s CES. I had to go to that stupid place called work instead of getting to tinker with cool digital devices - boo. I didn’t pout though and I didn’t sulk. If I couldn’t be at the show, then I was bringing the show to me. I was going to follow all 4 glorious days of CES coverage via the web. Now even though this post is titled "CES - Gadgets That Will Get You Laid", there are few gadgets in this world that can do just that. Because let’s be honest, 99% of women don’t care about tech gadgets. Some sleek little wireless router that does everything except walk my dog may seem orgasmic to me, but to most women, they couldn’t care less. "What’s a router?", they’ll ask. I’ll roll my eyes and walk away because they just don’t understand how sexy it is. However, there are some exceptions in this world, that remaining 1%. That rare breed of woman that actually does understand the pulling power of a data encrypted self-destructing thumb drive. And in that small remaining 1% of women, few are as hot or as tech obsessed as my girl Meghan, who can be seen below hugging (or depending on how you look at it – humping) the CES world logo from last year’s event.

For those of us tech obsessed, the free swag bag given out at CES is like a mini bag of porn! (Which is rather ironic because the Adult Entertainment Expo takes place right next door to CES every year. Warning! NSFW - Link contains adult content.) Pop it open and the drooling begins! To me, it might as well be Santa’s bag of goodies. An iTunes card, free software, Blu-ray movies, a Bluetooth headset, an underwater digital camera, the list goes on and on. Of course the majority of women would just shrug their shoulders. No biggie to them. They would not revel in the same delight that I do. Instead they would toss that to the side and opt for a swag bag consisting of Manolo Blahnik shoes, a Burberry scarf and a small turquoise blue box from Tiffany & Co. That’s their idea of "gadgets". That’s fine though. To each their own.

Guys I know you are wondering and anxiously awaiting. Just tell me what gadgets will get me laid! That’s what you want to know, right? Well, as I said earlier, probably none. So why did I title my post "CES - Gadgets That Will Get You Laid"? Well, would you have wanted to read it if it was titled "CES - Gadgets Won’t Get You Laid"? Where’s the teaser in that? That won’t lure you in. I know. I’m sorry. That was a sick and evil trick on my part. Now if you want to get laid, your best bet is to forget trying to woo her with your 60inch HDTV. She’s just not interested. However, you may get a lil play if you go the route of an unexpected well thought out gift, some properly placed compliments, perhaps flowers, maybe a heartfelt letter, taking her on a totally original date. I could keep going on, but you get the idea. Of course I don’t guarantee you’ll get laid, but it certainly can’t hurt your chances. One thing I can guarantee you is that you’ll kill your chances of every getting laid in your lifetime with this...

If you’re a guy who loves tech gadgets, then lean in close because you’ll want to hear every word I'm about to say! I can tell you what the #1 gadget from CES '09 that you should stay away from. Far, far away from...unless of course your goal is becoming a 40-year-old virgin. It is certain to NOT make panties drop. In fact, I’m positive it will be such a mood killer to a woman that she will actually get up and run away from you! Yes, it’s that serious. I’m talking about the LG GD910 Wrist Watch Phone. If you thought those digital LCD/calculator watches from the 80s were bad, you ain’t seen nothing yet! I love almost all tech gadgets, but this watch would actually make me lose an erection. So I can only imagine how much it would turn a girl off!

I know LG was going for the cool James Bond wannabe spy image, but there is nothing cool about this product. As a kid, I wanted to grow up to be 007, but there is no way in hell I would ever let this watch touch my skin! I can hear Sean Connery mocking it in disgust. The LG GD910 Wrist Watch Phone is more than just a watch and phone combo. Besides being touch-screen and water resistant, it has about a bazillion other features jammed in it. It’s also an mp3 player, has a camera, built-in Bluetooth, speech recognition, video calling capability, 3G Internet access, stop me when you heard enough. Oh, and I think it tells time? Not sure though. So what isn’t it? Well it’s not an aphrodisiac, that’s for sure.

Dare to wear this watch and 3 words will go thru your date’s head. And they aren’t: "I want you." They are: "You fucking nerd." Her next sentence will contain just 4 words - "Get away from me." Not exactly the smooth sailing path to getting you laid now is it?